Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Taken to school by an expectant mother.

Coaches are allowed to put you down, question your toughness, call you fat, and ridicule your gait all in the name of constructive criticism. For some reason we're all ok with this. Similar pointed, yet accurate, statements don't go over so well when they're made by spouses, friends, coworkers, the guy sitting next to you on the metro, etc.

The last coach I had was an AARP aged Catholic priest from England by the name of Fighting Father Pat. Father Pat would personally challenge the "raw meat" one by one in the ring to see if they were ready to spar. Under certain circumstances, this would have been funny. Father Pat could have easily passed for legendary pro-wrestler George “the Animal” Steele, except he didn’t chew turnbuckles, sounded vaguely like Sir John Geilgud as the butler in Arthur, and sometimes wore his priesthood collar in the ring. I’m not a religious man, but something just seemed wrong about trying to hit a priest. Of course, this kind of tentativeness was just what Father Pat relied on at his advanced age. He had no reservations pummeling college kids too timid to hit a man of the cloth.

It would be eight long years until I'd be coached again. Geoff and Laura are the team's half iron man coaches. Two of the most athletic people you’ll ever meet, they’re also expecting their first child who will also be more athletic than you or I. Thanks to them, I’ve discovered that I run like a duck and swim like a man drowning, among other things. Two weeks ago they brought me to the pool to help fix my broken swim technique. Besides doing everything technically wrong, I also learned the following.

1) I have trouble balancing in the water because I don't have enough "junk in my trunk".

2) You shouldn't be ashamed of getting lapped multiple times by a seasoned swimmer who's 6 months pregnant.

3) The swimming portion of this race will not be my strong suit.



Tuesday, April 22, 2008

44 Benjamins.

Write it down in your history books boys and girls, because at 1:45pm EST on April 22, 2008 Michael Kyle took a handoff from Keith DePoorter and fatbacked the ball past the goal line. In hindsight, the $4406.20 you’ve all helped raise wasn’t all that difficult to do. A couple of annoying emails, a party, and this completely egocentric blog is all it really took… besides the 10 hours/week of training, which lets face it is time better spent than what I likely would have done instead (i.e. watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, inhaling 2nd hand smoke at Kitty O’Sheas, being Gold’s Gym’s resident meathead).

In the grand scheme of things, reaching my fundraising goal was what this whole thing was about. Truthfully, I would have reached my goal anyways (because TNT has my credit card as a safety net), but I am truly moved by all of you who have been supportive these past few months, whether it be through donations, party planning, coaching, quiz writing, gift cards etc.

So allow me this opportunity to honor you all (besides the first magnificent 7 I already thanked earlier in this blog). If I’ve forgotten to thank a few people… let me know and I’ll rectify. Again, I’ll use initials to protect the innocent.

AA: In my Rolodex of friends Wonder Streaks, you’ll always come up first and not just because of alphabetical circumstance. Don’t forget to tell our boy that his Pops loves him.

R&M to the B: I hope to be there watching with you when Bones and Booth finally express their undying love for each other… thereby signaling the end of our favorite show.

CB: Peanut Butter and Jelly man. I know that when you’re around it’s always “No Retreat, No Surrender.”

BB: You mocked it daily, but I’m sure a piece of you misses my goatee.

C&B to the B: You two can party and throw down like no other couple I’ve ever met. The perfect combo of Colorado brass and Jersey sass.

JB: The nicest guy in the office award goes to you… hands down.

SC: You got me started with TNT, and I can’t thank you enough for that.

MC: My mentor, my role model. Don’t forget the King of Powerpoint when you’re a Hollywood bigwig.

JD: My lifeline to London. By hook or by crook I’ll make it back across the ocean and throw down some bangers and mash again.

AD: It’s true what they say. You really are a pleasant fellow.

KD: We should strongly consider forming a team for VH1’s next World Series of Pop Culture. And it’s absolutely ridiculous that I still haven’t seen Superdot perform in the decade that I’ve known you.

MD: Classy, stylish, and worldly.

RD: Oh how I miss my BSA mom and her jar of starbursts.

LE: Deceptively sunny… it’s been a pleasure being good cop to your bad cop. Now go conquer the legal world.

MF: With your help, I hope to earn MVP at Vegas for the third consecutive year. I’ll see you at the pool bar.

JF: Back in the day you were the awesome-est kid in the crew, and remain so today. 50 years from now, you’ll probably be the awesome-est kid in the convalescent home.

TF: We miss ya! The CorpCom kids are still having trouble adjusting to life without you.

DG: Whenever I have a chance to describe you to someone, I often say you’re the epitome of cool… like Fonzi… but not in a forced way. Also, it should be known that you were the top, non-family donor I had by far. As generous as you are Fonzi.

EG: Keeping the bigwigs in headquarters in line. Thanks for sitting through the most uninspired 101 I’ve done…and not falling asleep.

JoH: When I came to DC, I was a naïve kid who didn’t know how to tie a tie. You took me under your wing and showed me the ropes. We made quite the tag team, but I must admit not missing the Forums.

GH: Your heart is only eclipsed by the number of shoes I suspect you own.

JaH: Despite all the bullets you have to dodge at work, you seem to handle it all with such calm and grace.

AI: I’ll always remember your appreciation for the Howard Stern movie. Good luck on that wedding planning.

FJ: People who don’t know you are missing out on the humor, wit, and wisdom of the world’s tallest, French lobbyist for cybersecurity.

MK: You’re no Mr. Brightside big guy. About time you finally realized that.

JuL: You’ve got to help me justify reasons to come up to the NYC office.

JoL: Mike and David are two of the most intelligent, well adjusted, and personable people I know. You and Mr. L should be very proud. I’ll see you all during the holidays.

BM: My old cubicle mate and fantasy football consigliore. You are well on your way to being known as DC’s raddest dad.

JM: My new cube mate and next door neighbor. Looking forward to partying in Clarendon sister.

DM: You remind me so much of myself when I was your age… except you’re much taller and far more sarcastic.

AM: I’m so glad I sat next to you on that train home for Christmas rather than that annoying teenager who was with his parents. Although to be honest, that was probably one of the easiest decisions I’ve ever made.

MM: From the only neighbor on the floor who talks to you, know this… you rock.

GP: You are the true brains behind the 101s.

VP: Congressman, Senator, whatever… you know you’ve got my vote.

GR: You’re truly one of a kind and the best girl a guy could ever know. As soon as you get out of the sandbox and back to the states... I'm taking you to the outlet mall to make up for the two birthdays and Christmases I missed and then we're getting some sangrias.

AS: You make a very convincing Great Emancipator.

JS: Don’t let the haters get you down. You are more than adequate at Rock Band karaoke.

DS: One of my only regrets at BSA was not being able to have you as my boss.

GS: Good luck on your tri kid. This old man would offer advice, if he had anything worthwhile besides empty platitudes.

JT: It’s an honor to still be walking the path you and Ken trail blazed for us fellows.

MT: To think I was there (and probably hammered) when you met the man of your dreams. That’s going to be a heck of a fun story to tell your grandkids.

JV: I tried walking on my toes for a day like you do all the time. The next day, my calves were in so much pain that I fell down a flight of stairs.

SW: Unlike most Boston fans, you are generally reasonable and walk upright. But you also appreciate David Lee Roth so you’ll always be aces in my book.

HW: If the secret to attracting women is knowing how to dance, as you say, then I probably should join a monastery. On the other hand, it is true that few things are hotter to a guy than a girl who knows the difference between the wishbone and a pro-style offense.

RW: We took a poll and all of us young-uns in the office want to be like you when we grow up.

TW: Mark my words. In about a year, Dan Snyder will once again fire all his coaches and decide to throw more money at Steve Spagnuolo… but this time Spags will take it.

DW: You’re a running machine. By the way… one of my life goals is still to lay the smackdown on Dwayne like you did during our APP presentation.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Internet dislikes me

Sorry for spamming all of you last Friday. As I understand it, my last "begging for donations" email was sent out like 6-10 times. I can only blame the Internet and its series of imperfect tubes.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Would this motivate you to fight cancer?

I was told that sad pictures might motivate people to donate more.... So here are the saddest pictures I could find when I googled (plug!) "sad pictures".


Friday, April 4, 2008

Cherry Bombed.

"Over a million people visit Washington each year to admire the blossoming cherry trees and participate in the Festival that heralds the beginning of spring in the nation's capital," according to the official website of the National Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington, D.C.

It's too bad the city doesn't offer bubble boy suits or at the very least hand out complimentary packs of benadryl for unfortunate people like me who obviously should take a long vacation this time every year.
As un-fun as training has become over the course of the last several weeks, its become all the more un-funner thanks to spring allergy season. Nowadays its pretty easy to tell when I've been outside for a run or a bike ride. Runny nose, bloodshot eyes, rapid fire sneezes, occasional hives... coupled with a dazed lethargy that results when you try and survive on antihistamine cocktails. All in all, lets just say I'm not exactly at my best between the months of showers and flowers.
So enjoy the cherry blossoms while they last and take lots of pictures. I hear they're beautiful, so long as I'm not within a half a mile of them.