To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee; For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee...Verizon!

I was going to write about how long distance running and swimming have made me a calmer, more serene person. For instance, just last week my Garmin turn-by-turn navigation system was stolen from my car. Three months ago I probably would have "flipped the switch" roaming the streets with a vengeful, seething rage. But when I found out "Liz Hurley" (the name with which I christened my trusty Garmin... after setting the voice to "sexy British") was stolen, I mourned for a couple of minutes, looked around a bit, and then went to Costco and bought another one.

I instantly credited such rational behavior to my newly started regime of triathlon endurance training. I was ready to write something like this...

"Endurance training brings about a truly fulfilling zen-like high. You're more aware of your surrounding, in check with your emotions, and appreciative of what you have when you're sucking wind with exhausted muscles and an undeniable thirst for cold water. I can't remember the last time I've felt so at peace..."

Of course all that nonsense was thrown out the window today when I was re-acquainted with an old nemesis hellbent on shattering my newfound inner-Miyagi.

"Welcome to Verizon, your broadband company.
Para continuar en español por favor marca dos."

I am ashamed to admit that after years of repeatedly getting screwed by Verizon's spotty Internet service and horrendous customer service call centers, I still procured Verizon's FIOS Internet/TV package. Hey, I wouldn't be doing a triathlon if I wasn't a little bit of a masochist right? But when my FIOS service predictably broke earlier this week, I was loathe to be reminded that I had indeed chosen Verizon to be my "broadband company" yet again. Of course the duopolistic nature of regional broadband providers (i.e. Comcast AKA the other White Devil) puts us all in a no-win situation. But hey, at least I'm glad to hear my sworn enemy had decided to become bilingual.

"For billing press 1.
To order services or programs press 2.
For everything else press 3."

What the hard-of-hearing Verizon she-tomaton fails to realize in her pre-recorded head is that 99% of the people that call are going to press 3, because Technical Support is the only reason people will ever call. And the vast majority of the time, interacting with Verizon's Technical Support (or trying to interact with them) will only lead to frustration, anger, hopelessness, and resignation...in that order.


I could go on and on detailing my most recent travishamockery with Verizon, but its an all too familiar tune.
...All our representatives are busy, please hold while I connect you to an agent...
...I can't do that here, let me transfer you to billing, please hold...
...Can I have your full name, zipcode and address for verification purposes (chorus)...
...I can't do that here, let me transfer you to technical support, please hold...
etc., etc.

Surprisingly, the zenith of my anger today didn't rise beyond a 15 second tirade and a dash of gratuitous PG-13 cursing. All in all, not a bad showing considering all the completely unreasonable crap that Verizon had put me through while I waited at home for them from 8:00AM to 5:00PM.

Maybe I am a changed man.

So allow me to pass along three tips from a veteran of Verizon Customer Service (also applicable to virtually any call center).

1) Bypass the "automated operator" by repeatedly saying "Talk to an agent"

2) Whenever you finally get to talk to a human being, ask for their last name and direct dial number. If they give you crap, say you need that info in case you get disconnected. Asking for information that holds people accountable signifies that you mean business and won't take shit from no one. Not surprisingly, you also get treated better.

3) If a service tech is scheduled to come to your place, repeatedly call the day of to make sure the tech is showing up. If possible get the number of the local Verizon service tech dispatcher and harass them. The dispatcher wields all the power.

After enduring a ten-hour mental beat down from the nearly dozen faceless Verizon representatives I interacted with today, its weirdly comforting to know that there's always a good 40 minute run or swim ready to take me away and bring harmony to my shattered soul. That or I can go out and find that son of a bitch who stole Liz Hurley from me!