Embracing my own mortality on the eve of the Gulf Coast Half Iron Man.

Perhaps the most self-centered, navel gazing thing a person can do is write his own eulogy (or as Derek Zoolander likes to pronounce it... eugoogly). I'm not saying I expect to meet my doom in the rougher than expected Florida Gulf Coast waters... but just to be safe I'd feel better knowing (as I finally succumb to a ferocious battle with a giant squid) that my last written words were not about my aspirations to be white trash, or I guess in my case yellow trash.

Anyways... here's what I would imagine my eugoogalizer would say at the funeral.

As a child Robert W. Tai aspired to be two things in his life. An Olympic champion in anything and Spider-Man. He failed to reach either goal. Later in his life, after watching Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock convincingly play law enforcement officers in Point Break and Miss Congeniality, Robert set his sights on joining the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Upon hearing this, Robert's mother and father feigned heart attacks and threatened that the next ones would be less dramatized but more real (much like Redd Foxx used to do in Sanford and Son). Loving his parents and not wanting to deal with the guilt of being the cause of such suffering, Robert ended his pursuit of that dream. Always eager to impart advice (unsolicited or otherwise) to others, Robert decided that teaching would be a noble use of his time. Unfortunately, despite nearly 8 years of college... Robert realized he did not know anything well enough to actually offer something of value to any would-be disciples.

However let us not dwell on his failures, which we can continue later on at the reception, but rather celebrate his many accomplishments.

At the age of 14, Robert peaked as an athlete after being crowned the National Rec Center League Standing Broadjump Champion for the Mid-Atlantic States by setting a NJ state record 9'3" standing broad jump for boys aged 13-14. (Unfortunately this record would be shattered three years later by his next-next door neighbor.)

Robert also has the rare distinction of gaining a graduate degree in a program at a world renowned university where he had absolutely no idea what the point or value of the degree was at any instance before, during, or after his stay there. Here's a hint.. the mascot does not match up with the school nickname.

Robert had worn many hats in his all too brief life. Spoiled son, bratty brother, amateur pugilist, doting uncle, cameo husband, sort of father, professional glad-hander, and Las Vegas MVP.

He was kind to animals, small children, and the elderly. He was usually honest, sometimes modest, and always willing to help a buddy out. But above all, what I will remember most about the man his friends have known as Robert, Bobby, Rob, Javi Colayco, Cookies, Bobby T, Puddles, Mr. Furious... is this....

He always looked good in a 'beater.


And that folks is all she wrote. Wish me luck tomorrow morning in the surf, sand and blistering roads of Panama City... because this might be the last time you'll ever get a chance to.